Here you go, Crooked Joe Biden — we did your homework for you. You can stop the Biden Border Bloodbath TODAY:
By the [theoretical] authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America,
I, CROOKED JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN, JR., President of the United States (for at least the next six months or so), hereby, finally, once and for all, after months of avoiding even thinking about the most obvious course of action, find that the situation at our southern border constitutes an extraordinary (and thoroughly self-induced) threat to the national security, domestic well-being, and economy of the United States and hereby [theoretically] declare a national emergency.
It is hereby [theoretically] ordered as follows:
Section 1. (Failed) Policy. It has been the continued (failed) policy of my administration to discontinue any and all safeguards at our southern border, especially those that my predecessor, President Donald J. Trump, put in place. Whether this was done because of sheer incompetence, willful neglect, or simply because of my rigorous napping schedule and/or beach time in Rehoboth is of no pertinence to this order.
The situation at our southern border, the so called “Biden Border Bloodbath,” has become untenable. Even we recognize as such, which is why we are signing this Executive Order, generously drafted for us, as governed by applicable law, by the Republican National Committee, using policies from President Donald J. Trump, for whom you should most definitely vote on November 5, 2024!
It is, therefore, now the policy of my administration to reinstate the successful policies of the previous administration, in order to stop the fentanyl pouring across the border, to safeguard our families and communities, and to end this administration’s border bloodbath.
Here's the point where I’d usually veer into several minutes talking about my childhood in Oyster Bay, my time spent on the front lines during the Spanish-American War, the Nobel Peace Prize I won for ending the Russo-Japanese War, or the time I built the Panama Canal, but, in the interest of brevity, I’ll spare you.
Sec. 2. Definitions. For purposes of this [theoretical] order, the following definitions apply:
(a) “failed policy of my administration” means any and all actions I have taken regarding our Southern border since 12:00 PM EST, January 20, 2021.
(b) “whom you should most definitely vote for on November 5” means Donald J. Trump.
Sec. 3. Provisions. Pursuant to the authorities granted to me by Article II of the Constitution, the National Emergencies Act (50 U.S.C. 1601 et seq.), the Immigration and Nationality Act (INA), (8 U.S.C. 1101 et seq.), section 301 of title 3, United States Code, section 212(f) of the INA, 8 U.S.C. 1182(f), I hereby proclaim that the illegal entry of undocumented immigrants into the United States is detrimental to the safety and security of the United States, and I hereby [theoretically] suspend the mass release of illegal migrants into the United States, effective from the date of this order.
Sec. 4. Implementation. The Director of the Office of Management and Budget and the heads of executive departments and agencies shall promptly consider taking steps to reinstate any orders, rules, regulations, guidelines, or policies, or portions thereof, implementing or enforcing the presidential actions from the first administration of Donald J. Trump, pursuant to section 1 of this order, as appropriate and consistent with applicable law, including the Administrative Procedure Act, 5 U.S.C. 551 et seq. In addition, any personnel positions, committees, task forces, or other entities established during the first administration of President Donald J. Trump shall be reinstated, as appropriate and consistent with applicable law.
Sec. 5. General Provisions. (a) Nothing in this order shall be [theoretically] construed to impair or otherwise affect:
(i) the authority granted by law to an executive department or agency, or the head thereof: or
(ii) the functions of the Director of the office of Management and Budget relating to budgetary, administrative, or legislative proposals.
(b) This order shall be implemented consistent with applicable law, and subject to the availability of appropriations.
(c) This order is not intended to, and does not, create any right or benefit, substantive or procedural, enforceable at law or in equity by any party against the United States, its departments, agencies, or entities, its officers, employees or agents, or any other person.
Sec. 6. Satire. This is obviously a satire, and does not offer any specific legal advice.
